Even If The Healing Doesn’t Come

“Even if the Healing Doesn’t Come” by Kutless

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0

I know that God is the healer and could cure me of PCOS at any moment if it was part of His plan.  I truly do believe that.  I know that we serve a God who can do anything, but that everything He does is part of His perfect plan. 

Sometimes I listen to this song and think, you know, God is God and I will praise Him even if the healing doesn’t come.  But, if I am to be honest, I would have to admit that probably half of the time when I really dwell on this, I don’t know that I would be able to accept it if it was not in God’s plan to make me a mom. 

Will keeps challenging me to wrestle with this.  I say that I know that God has given both of us talents that we would use as parents and I strongly believe that God does not give us talents to be wasted.  Through this logic, I convince myself that it is definitely part of God’s plan to call us to be parents.  Until Will comes back with the very valid point that yes, while being a mom is a great way to use those talents, I am also using many of those same talents in teaching and other ways so, no, I’m not wasting them by not being a mom. 

I know that I often make this desire to have children an idol in my life.  When I ask myself, Is God enough for me?, I am sometimes able to say, Yes, God is enough and I will praise Him no matter what.  I can be joyful just praising my King in whatever circumstances He places me in.  But sometimes, there are days when I think, No, God is not enough.  I want, no, I need, to be a mom.  I want to raise our children to know and love this awesome God I serve.

I know that God still has so much to teach me and I feel honored that He has given me the opportunity to write this blog and open up about the many blessings He has given me.  He is able to get glory from me even though I am far from perfect.  As much as I wish I wasn’t on this journey, God is teaching me how much I need to rely on Him instead of on my own strength. 

As Kutless so aptly says it, Father, you know that my Dreams are still undone.  You are God, you are good, forever faithful one.  Even if the healing doesn’t come.  

Playlist

I don’t know if anyone else is like me, but there is nothing like the feeling of finding the perfect music to match my mood and help me express what I'm feeling inside.  I know it has been a while since I have written (the school year is in full swing and things got crazy busy!), so I thought in this post I would combine several of the post ideas that have been hanging out on my “to write” list for some time now. 

God has been speaking to me through songs.  Most mornings in Advisee (like homeroom, but we do more mentoring, or advising, of the students than just sending in attendance), we sing a worship song together.  Well, I get to pick the song, so sometimes I pick one of these songs that God is whispering to my heart.  We watch them on You Tube so we can have music that has lyrics with it we can sing along with.  Here are the links to and some commentary on the playlist of songs God has been using to speak to my heart during this struggle. 

1. “Blessings” By Laura Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE:

Wow! Talk about conviction.  When I hear this song, God speaks to my heart, “Why are you willing to only accept my blessings if they come in the form you choose?”  The song says, “Love is way too much to give us lesser things”.  God has such a perfect plan and can see yesterday, today, AND tomorrow.  He has such a better idea of what the BEST thing is for us because he can see the while picture and we cannot.  Another line says, “All the while you hear each desperate plead the longer we have faith to believe”.  Yes, God does hear those prayers when we are crying out through the tears begging Him, but He has a perfect purpose in making us wait.  This song is one of my favorites.

2. “The Voice of Truth” Casting Crowns https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enxca57LiVU:

“The waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me, reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed…but the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory.”  My body is so far from perfect and I can do nothing on my own power.  When I try to do things in my own power I do fail.  I have to rely on Christ to do all things through Him who strengthens me.  I want all things I do to bring God glory.  Like Moses and his stutter, I have shortcomings that I was born with and my body is the imperfect body of a sinner, but God STILL can use me for His glory.  When I get discouraged, I need to instead listen to that Voice of Truth that reminds me that this struggle is for His glory. 

3. “Worship While I’m Waiting” John Waller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gjXBMC8-oM : 

Obviously, I feel drawn to this song; It’s the song I named this blog after. “I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.”  This song challenges me.  I want to serve God and bring Him glory while I’m waiting.  This is not where I would choose to be, but I’m still here and can run the race even while I wait.  “I am waiting on you Lord, though it’s not easy, but faithfully I will wait”. 

4. “Your Plans for Me are Perfect” Sandra ONal http://www.amazon.com/Your-Plans-Me-Are-Perfect/dp/B00H8TVYTM : 

I have to admit, hearing this song for the first time this morning at the King Spring Baptist Church Women’s conference is was pushed me over the edge of “I really need to return to my blog.”  This is the song that she wrote about her struggle with infertility and it really touched me.  In it she sings about how this is not the path she would choose, but still knows that God’s plans are perfect.  I was bawling like a baby, but God is good and continually surrounds me with Godly women who have been through similar struggles and they allow God to work through them to be His hands and place a reassuring hand on my back and His mouth and speak the words He wants me to hear.  But the most precious thing these women give me is prayers.  I love prayers!  

I hope you enjoy listening to these first four songs on my playlist and that God uses them in your heart as He is continually using them to speak to mine.  There are plenty more where those came from, so one day soon you may find yourself reading an entry titled, “Playlist Part 2”!