Happy Endings

As I sit down to write this, I realize this is the hardest post I've had to write.  This really surprises me because it is also the post I have been most looking forward to writing.  It hurts my heart because I want the rest of you who are reading this while going through the infertility struggle to join me on the other side. I will continue to pray for each of you that you will join me in God's perfect timing.

I will say this journey of waiting taught me so much about His perfect plan.  We found out (much to our shock!) that we were 4 weeks pregnant on January 30.  We hadn't been going to the fertility specialist in months!  My mom went to Church of the Apostle's Sanctity of Life service on January 18.  When Dr. Youssef prayed for those who want to have a baby, my mom stood up in my proxy. Meanwhile, my sister has said all along that I would have a baby when they would have a cousin the same age.  Well, that's true now with 3 months in age difference!

This is the service if you want to watch it.  The prayer I was talking about starts at about 18:00 http://apostles.org/series/?enmse=1&enmse_sid=52&enmse_mid=169

Will has also been telling me all along that I needed to be okay with God being enough and learn to patient while waiting on a baby.  Sure enough, the evening I took the pregnancy test my prayer was that God's will would be done.  For the first time before taking a pregnancy test, I told God I was okay with either option and asked for joy whatever the answer may be.

I can't believe this waiting season in our life is closing and that I am moving on to worshiping through mommy-hood!  I feel blessed that I had this opportunity to worship while I wait, and pray that I can now bring our Lord glory while raising His precious child that He has entrusted to us.

This is going to be my last post for now because I don't want this to turn into "mommy blog".  This blog was intended to encourage people who are waiting on something they want desperately.   I got the ultimate encouragement that seasons of waiting can come to a happy ending, but the last thing I want to do is brag about this joy to those of you who aren't there yet.  I will continue to pray for each of you reading this that your waiting will also come to the conclusion you have been praying for.  If there is ever anything I can do for you, please know I am still here to talk and pray for you.


I would like to end by asking for two final prayer requests.  Please continue to pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery as well as Will and I as we start this journey of parenthood.

Thank you

If you've read some of my earlier posts, you will know one of the final pushes to starting this blog was a sermon at church about Paul.  Well, our pastor is currently in the middle of a series about Paul (or, sorry, Saul), then our Sunday School lesson this week was also about Paul.  I couldn't resist sharing some of these verses from Sunday School and I hope they speak to you like they touched me.

The title of the lesson was "Sickness" and most of the Biblical guidance we got was from letters written by Paul.  I don't think they need a lot of commentary since they all seem to speak for themselves.  I will tell you, though, they continue to persuade me that perhaps God can actually use PCOS as a blessing. (Albeit, perhaps a blessing I still wouldn't have requested!)

2 Corinthians 12:7b-9

7b Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

James 1:2-5

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Lord, 
I pray that I take pure joy in the weaknesses you have given me because your power is made perfect in weakness.  Thank you for teaching me to fix my eyes on the unseen by surrounding me with godly people who continue to renew my faith in you and remind me to draw near to you.  Father, help me to boast in my weaknesses so it is obvious that any good I may do is not on my own strength, but on your power resting on me.  To you be the glory.  

PCOS

Several of you, my readers, have confided in me that you also have PCOS: Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Some of you have asked me for advice on how I manage it.  Let me begin by saying I am not a doctor and do not pretend to understand all of the medical side of things.  Please do not take this as advice for what I am suggesting you to do; I am simply using my limited understanding to try and explain what I have tried to manage PCOS.  The best piece of advice I can give you is to find a doctor you trust and then trust their advice.

While there have been various fertility treatments and medicines we have tried over the last few years, there are two major ways I have been consistently managing the PCOS. The first is by taking a prescription called Metformin.  It is a diabetes medicine and has something to do with helping your body manage insulin, which seems to be part of the problem with PCOS.  To be honest, I can’t quite explain the link, but when the doctor explained it, it made sense and I’ve had other women with PCOS tell me they are on it as well.  This is when I say to find a doctor you trust who you could ask if you want more information about the link between Metformin and PCOS. 

  The second way is by (trying) to follow the advice from a book called The Fertility Diet.  If you are interested in reading it, here is the link to order it on Amazon.  http://www.amazon.com/The-Fertility-Diet-Groundbreaking-Ovulation/dp/0071627103 It is published by doctors and is researched based.  The whole book is telling 10 life style changes to make to manage ovulation related infertility, which obviously includes PCOS.  Most of the advice they give is actually just healthy living advice that we all know and just resist following, like drink lots of water and less Coke. 

1.       Avoid trans fats

2.       Use more saturated vegetable oils, like olive oil

3.       Eat more vegetable proteins

4.       Choose whole grains and other carbs that are slower to digest

5.       Have a serving of whole fat dairy

6.       Take a multivitamin with Folic acid and B vitamins

7.       Get iron from fruits, vegetables, beans, and supplements, but not red meat

8.       Drink a ton of water; drink some coffee, tea, or alcohol; but don’t drink sugary sodas

9.       Aim for a healthy weight

10.   Exercise daily

Alright, I am announcing my New Year’s Resolution online: Make a more purposeful attempt to follow the Fertility Diet.  You will notice that even though it’s called a “diet” it’s not all about food.  Number 10 is about working out and this is probably the number one place I have room for growth.  I know I said I wasn’t giving advice, but the teacher in me says it’s never bad advice to read a book, so I will recant my previous statement and recommend this book!  It is a pretty easy read and it truly breaks down each step so you understand what specifically you should do, why it is important, and what impact it makes on your health.  If all else fails, most of them are just good tips for living a healthier lifestyle.  Except number 5.  That one says whole dairy products are better for ovulation, so go make yourself a bowl of ice cream and enjoy reading this book!

While I'm Waiting

I think God is nudging me.  I haven't heard the song that is the name sake for this blog on the radio in months and the last 3 days I have heard it every day on the radio.  I guess God wants me to listen to the lyrics of the song that I have chosen to name this blog after. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y ) This is the first time I have sat down to write a blog entry without a clear direction in mind, but here it goes...

Today in class we had a great discussion about when God tells us "no" or "not yet" or "I love you too much to give you that".  Obviously, I didn't give the example of infertility in my life, but I did talk about the first time I applied to teach at Whitefield and the answer was, "not yet".  Through that experience, I was able to meet many great friends at KCSMA, but I was so glad the following year when I re-applied and God's answer was "Yes!  This IS where I am calling you now!"  Several students were disappointed in class today because they didn't win the "Math Olympics" for 5th grade.  We discussed how disappointment is important to learning that, no, we're not able to do these good things on our own so when we do succeed in something it is only by the grace of God.

It hurts because I want to be pregnant so much.  I want my body to work on its own the way it's supposed to.  In my head, I know that God's plan is better than mine and I can explain all of the theology behind that to my 5th graders. I know that we are called to worship our Lord even if we’re not in the circumstance we would choose to be in.  Slowly, He is teaching my heart to have patience and worship while I’m waiting.  There are still days where I am overcome by sadness, but there are other days when I can laugh because even though this is so far from where I imagined I would be in life right now, God still gives me joy.  My prayer truly is that I will be able to worship while I’m waiting, even if it’s not where I would choose to be.  Of course, I keep praying that soon I will be able to worship God in the journey of motherhood and I thank everyone who joins me in that prayer.  Also, I would like to tell those of you who have confided in me that you share that same desire, I am praying for your family as well.  

It’s not fair

   This past week I have had more pregnancies announced to me than I have over the rest of the year combined.  I can honestly say that (by the grace of God) my first thought is that I am so excited for them.  But shortly after that comes the self-pity.  It’s not fair.  We did everything right.  Don’t we deserve to get what we want most; something all of our friends seem to be getting?  I am personally firm in the belief that we would make great parents.  (I know I will eat these words when we actually are parents, but for now I feel like we could do just as good as a job as anyone else!)

                Surprisingly, my self-pity has been at a minimum as I have learned of all of these dear women in my life who are expecting.  I haven’t had crying outbursts (as I am sometimes prone to) and I have been able to be excited for each of them.  But in the back of my mind, there is still that thought of the heart-wrenching question: When will it be our turn?  It is only fair that it should be our turn! Some of our friends are even starting to think of baby number 2 and we’re still here waiting on baby number 1. I see how precious Will is with our god-daughter or the children at church or any of the other children in our lives and my heart aches because I want him to have that.  I think both of us were made to be parents.  We have always defined ourselves as being a good big brother and big sister to our younger siblings and feel that we are more experienced than many of our friends who are having babies.  It’s not that I’m not excited for them, it’s that I’m sad for us because I want that for us to. 

                When one of these precious women in my life recently told me she was expecting, she commented that it just wasn't fair of God to give her a baby before He gave me one.  I’ve been waiting longer and trying everything we know to do and they weren’t even ready to start trying yet.  She’s right.  It’s not fair.  As we tell the fifth graders every day, life’s not fair. 

                And I am so grateful for that. 

                If life was fair, we would be punished for our sins with eternal separation from our creator.  God can’t stand to be around sin; it goes against who He is.  And we are sinners.  The “fair” answer is we’re sinners, we can be near God.  We’re separated from Him.  Forever.  Period.  But fortunately, we serve a God who is so much more than fair.  He is merciful.  He sees what is fair and what we deserve, but instead gives us something so much better.  He sent His SON.  His only son. To die for us.  I doubt that when God does bless us with a son, I would be willing to give that precious son up for anything.  Or anyone.  When Jesus died, he didn’t just die, He who was without sin took on our sin. 

                Everyone loves to quote the verse that “God works all things for the good of those who love Him”.  Yes, He does.  But God’s good is not necessarily the same as “good” as defined by the world.  In Bible class this week our lesson is about Egypt, Moses, and the Plagues.  After each plague, God hardened Pharaoh’s heart so Pharaoh said the Israelite slaves could not leave to worship their God.  Why did He do this? These plagues were certainly not “good” according to human terms.  Instead God did this for His good that He could be glorified over all the earth for His great wonders.  My prayer with this blog is even though our infertility is not “good” by the world’s standards and may seem “unfair”, that God can still use it for His greater good that is so much better than ours.  I truly do want to worship while I’m waiting and bring Him glory in all situations. 

                No, it’s not fair, but God’s plans are so much better than fair.  We just have to have faith and patience. 

Even If The Healing Doesn’t Come

“Even if the Healing Doesn’t Come” by Kutless

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0

I know that God is the healer and could cure me of PCOS at any moment if it was part of His plan.  I truly do believe that.  I know that we serve a God who can do anything, but that everything He does is part of His perfect plan. 

Sometimes I listen to this song and think, you know, God is God and I will praise Him even if the healing doesn’t come.  But, if I am to be honest, I would have to admit that probably half of the time when I really dwell on this, I don’t know that I would be able to accept it if it was not in God’s plan to make me a mom. 

Will keeps challenging me to wrestle with this.  I say that I know that God has given both of us talents that we would use as parents and I strongly believe that God does not give us talents to be wasted.  Through this logic, I convince myself that it is definitely part of God’s plan to call us to be parents.  Until Will comes back with the very valid point that yes, while being a mom is a great way to use those talents, I am also using many of those same talents in teaching and other ways so, no, I’m not wasting them by not being a mom. 

I know that I often make this desire to have children an idol in my life.  When I ask myself, Is God enough for me?, I am sometimes able to say, Yes, God is enough and I will praise Him no matter what.  I can be joyful just praising my King in whatever circumstances He places me in.  But sometimes, there are days when I think, No, God is not enough.  I want, no, I need, to be a mom.  I want to raise our children to know and love this awesome God I serve.

I know that God still has so much to teach me and I feel honored that He has given me the opportunity to write this blog and open up about the many blessings He has given me.  He is able to get glory from me even though I am far from perfect.  As much as I wish I wasn’t on this journey, God is teaching me how much I need to rely on Him instead of on my own strength. 

As Kutless so aptly says it, Father, you know that my Dreams are still undone.  You are God, you are good, forever faithful one.  Even if the healing doesn’t come.  

Playlist

I don’t know if anyone else is like me, but there is nothing like the feeling of finding the perfect music to match my mood and help me express what I'm feeling inside.  I know it has been a while since I have written (the school year is in full swing and things got crazy busy!), so I thought in this post I would combine several of the post ideas that have been hanging out on my “to write” list for some time now. 

God has been speaking to me through songs.  Most mornings in Advisee (like homeroom, but we do more mentoring, or advising, of the students than just sending in attendance), we sing a worship song together.  Well, I get to pick the song, so sometimes I pick one of these songs that God is whispering to my heart.  We watch them on You Tube so we can have music that has lyrics with it we can sing along with.  Here are the links to and some commentary on the playlist of songs God has been using to speak to my heart during this struggle. 

1. “Blessings” By Laura Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE:

Wow! Talk about conviction.  When I hear this song, God speaks to my heart, “Why are you willing to only accept my blessings if they come in the form you choose?”  The song says, “Love is way too much to give us lesser things”.  God has such a perfect plan and can see yesterday, today, AND tomorrow.  He has such a better idea of what the BEST thing is for us because he can see the while picture and we cannot.  Another line says, “All the while you hear each desperate plead the longer we have faith to believe”.  Yes, God does hear those prayers when we are crying out through the tears begging Him, but He has a perfect purpose in making us wait.  This song is one of my favorites.

2. “The Voice of Truth” Casting Crowns https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enxca57LiVU:

“The waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me, reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed…but the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory.”  My body is so far from perfect and I can do nothing on my own power.  When I try to do things in my own power I do fail.  I have to rely on Christ to do all things through Him who strengthens me.  I want all things I do to bring God glory.  Like Moses and his stutter, I have shortcomings that I was born with and my body is the imperfect body of a sinner, but God STILL can use me for His glory.  When I get discouraged, I need to instead listen to that Voice of Truth that reminds me that this struggle is for His glory. 

3. “Worship While I’m Waiting” John Waller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gjXBMC8-oM : 

Obviously, I feel drawn to this song; It’s the song I named this blog after. “I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.”  This song challenges me.  I want to serve God and bring Him glory while I’m waiting.  This is not where I would choose to be, but I’m still here and can run the race even while I wait.  “I am waiting on you Lord, though it’s not easy, but faithfully I will wait”. 

4. “Your Plans for Me are Perfect” Sandra ONal http://www.amazon.com/Your-Plans-Me-Are-Perfect/dp/B00H8TVYTM : 

I have to admit, hearing this song for the first time this morning at the King Spring Baptist Church Women’s conference is was pushed me over the edge of “I really need to return to my blog.”  This is the song that she wrote about her struggle with infertility and it really touched me.  In it she sings about how this is not the path she would choose, but still knows that God’s plans are perfect.  I was bawling like a baby, but God is good and continually surrounds me with Godly women who have been through similar struggles and they allow God to work through them to be His hands and place a reassuring hand on my back and His mouth and speak the words He wants me to hear.  But the most precious thing these women give me is prayers.  I love prayers!  

I hope you enjoy listening to these first four songs on my playlist and that God uses them in your heart as He is continually using them to speak to mine.  There are plenty more where those came from, so one day soon you may find yourself reading an entry titled, “Playlist Part 2”!