Wait, what was that? I didn’t hear you the first 14 times

      I love teaching at my school.  I love it more than I ever thought possible to love a job.  Teaching there is everything I dreamed of while sitting in the ECCE block at Samford University and day dreaming about my perfect classroom.  Of the many things I love (or “am obsessed with” might be a truer choice of words!) about teaching here, my favorite may be teaching Bible.  I had many wonderful Bible teachers during my time as a student there and Will and I still talk about the theology our outstanding teachers taught us. 

                Ok, this is where I have to remind myself to stay on topic, because I could go on about this topic for a while. 

                Anyways, the story I’m going to tell you today is about one of my Bible classes.  Each lesson has a scripture memory verse that goes with it.  Each child was coming up to my desk one at a time to recite their scripture memory for that week- Psalm 37: 1-9.  I would listen, check them word for word on the rubric, and give them a grade.  It literally took FIFTEEN times of hearing this passage before my ears perked up and I thought, “Hmm, maybe God is trying to tell me something!” 

                “Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.  Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, you vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil.  For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”

                Doesn’t the Bible say that out of the mouths of babes, He has ordained His praise? Well, that was certainly true that afternoon! 

                That is a hard challenge to rise to though.  It’s one I’ve spent a lot of time mulling over and talking with my students about.  There is a BIG difference between not worrying and not preparing.  To say “Oh, I’m not worried about getting a job as a teacher, so I’ll just sit here and hang out with my friends instead of going to college or delivering resumes and I’m sure God will send one my way” would be foolish.  As would deciding, “You know, I would really like to book more weddings, but I don’t feel like investing any money in marketing right now, so I’m sure God will just send brides to me.”  Don’t get me wrong- God can TOTALLY do that- and anything else he pleases!  We serve a God who is all-powerful and all-knowing and (thankfully!) also very good and very loving.  He desires good things for us, His children.  Often times, however, the way we get those things is following the path he has carefully planned for us that includes using our talents and maximizing the opportunities He has given us. 

                I love this part- “take DELIGHT in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”!  As I talk about in one of my other entries, I prayed for JOY through this struggle to replace my fear.  God wants His children to delight in Him! Once we truly do that, our desires will be in line with His and we will want for ourselves what He desires for us.  The catch is none of us are perfect so this will always be a struggle with our sinful human nature, but we should still aim for it.  Take JOY in the Lord!  Do not worry because He has a PERFECT plan, even if we can’t understand it right now.  As humans, we want what we want when we want it.  As it relates to fertility struggles, I believe the Biblical response is to delight yourself in the Lord, prepare by doing what you can do (more entrees coming on this topic!), and then wait and trust in His perfect timing.  Don’t worry about it- but do prepare for it.  By delighting in the Lord, I want to use the talents He’s given me.  He hasn’t called me to be a mom yet (even though that’s how I really want to use my talents!), so I find joy using my talents working with kids in my classroom, at church, and with friends and family. 

                Alright, Abba, I am committing my way to you.  Help me to be still before you and wait patiently on you.  Help me to refrain from anger and to place my hope in you.  Amen.  

Live!

           Today I want to tell the story of the before and after of making my blog live.  I have received so much positive feedback and compliments, but I can’t take credit.  I am simply allowing God to work through me.  I thought maybe telling these stories would show that.

Before…

I had the blog written and waiting in a word document while I gathered the courage and talked to women in my life I respect about their thoughts on if this was a wise move.  Then on Sunday, I heard God’s message loud and clear when the sermon was about Paul in prison.  Not that I compare myself to Paul, but I do believe that there are lessons to be learned from every Bible story about how to serve the Lord.  I simply heard a lesson and am trying to apply it to my life. 

After Jesus was crucified, Paul was called to tell the story of Jesus and the only way to be saved from hell.  He glorified God by traveling to preach and reached many people through his obedience.  Then Paul was arrested.  He was put in jail and then on house arrest.  He couldn’t travel and preach, but he could still tell the story of Jesus to those who surrounded Him- the prison guards.  To use an overused idiom, Paul got lemons and made lemonade.  He wasn’t ministering in the way he would have chosen, but he could still glorify God while He was waiting to be free. 

Suffice it to say, I have always felt there is no higher calling than being a parent and raising your children to know, love, and serve our Lord.  The way I was raised was so clear both of my parents felt called to minister to their children every day because we were their mission field.  I want that!  I want my mission field to be singing “Jesus Loves Me” while our baby falls asleep.  I want to teach our children how to thank God for each meal before they eat.  I want to challenge our kids to memorize Bible verses.  I want to minister to our children’s friends and their families.  I want to pray together at night and teach our children how to give things up to God.

But just like Paul, God has asked me to wait.  That’s not his plan for me to glorify Him right now.  He has purposefully placed me somewhere else.  Even though it’s not where I would have chosen and it may not be “fun”, He still has plans for me here. 

After…

So I jumped.  A jump of faith, I mean.  I made the blog live in the hopes of ministering to other women who find themselves in similar situations and telling about the many, many blessings God has given us during this painful time.  I finally followed what I had felt God prompting on my heart.  I was honest.  I was open.  I am glad I did it!  The feedback I have gotten has affirmed this calling.  I thought I would take this time to share some of the other wisdom and feedback so many women have shared with me in the last few days. 

                One friend shared this verse with me.  It gave me such a feeling of peace; I thought some of you might like it too.  Matthew 7:7-11 (NLT) says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.  You parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?  Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake?  Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.” 

                Another precious friend continually reminds me God’s timing is perfect.  As she explains it perfectly, when you are born determines so many things in life.  How old you are determines your grade in school and who your best friends will be.  It determines who your future spouse is.  To a large degree, it even has a bearing on who your younger siblings will be.  God has each child picked out already, but He waits until the perfect time for each one to enter the world. 

                I have heard many heart-breaking stories about miscarriages.  While this is not the struggle we are currently going through, it is one some of my dear friends are going through and we have had many conversations about it.  Both types of suffering are painful in their own ways.  The desire to be a mother is so strong and so frustrating when you can’t figure out how to achieve it.  (This is where my mom would give me the wise advice that it’s only God’s business to make a baby- and the Psalmist would agree!) But they are also different.  I cannot pretend to imagine that type of loss and pain, but I do have to give encouragement that I believe that baby is waiting in heaven and you will meet him or her one day!

But the most common story I keep hearing is success story after success story.  These from some women whom I have known for most of my life and I always just knew them as so-and-so’s mom.  It turns out becoming a mom was a long journey for many.  I have been filled with so much hope after hearing these stories, and would encourage anyone who would like to share their story in the comments for everyone to read. 

So that’s it.  Thank you for all of your compliments and positive feedback.  It affirms the calling that this is God’s plan for me right now in my life.  I ask you to keep reaching out to me if you need someone to talk to.  However, please know this isn’t done on my strength or goodness, but it is God working through me.  I love the story of Moses and the Burning Bush.  I relate to Moses- I have PCOS and Moses had a stutter.  That doesn’t worry God! In fact, He says through our weaknesses, His glory only shines brighter! Thank you, Abba, for choosing me and using me!  

God Answers Prayers!

           Finding out that getting pregnant was not going to be the “piece of pie” we always expected it to be was a surprise for us.  Being from a large family with lots of cousins, I always believed that babies were a blessing, but I didn't know sometimes you had to work for them!  In high school, they make it sound like if you look at each other wrong- BOOM! You’re pregnant.  What do you mean, it’s going to be hard getting pregnant?  We did everything right! That’s not fair!

Then the fear set in. 

I have always said that my number one worst fear was not being able to get pregnant when I was ready.  Always.  Being a mommy is one of the top things I want out of life and not knowing the paths we would have to take threw me into a panic.  I was terrified.  I threw more than my fair share of pity parties. 

But God has a better plan.  He always does. 

My husband patiently pointed that out to me.  I have been so weak during this struggle and Will really stepped in and challenged me to handle it Biblically.  He challenged me to stay away from self-pity and bitterness and to trust in God’s plan, even though it’s not the plan I wanted for myself.  His plan is better. 

So I began reading through the Psalms and praying that God would remove my fear and replace it with trust in His perfect plan and joy to do all things for His glory. 

It didn't happen overnight.  In fact, it took me about a year to notice how He had worked in my life to answer these prayers.  I was looking back through prayer requests from a year ago when I saw this one written down and all of a sudden realized- wow! God said yes to that one!  He really has been working on my heart and I didn't even notice. 

One of the biggest turning points I can pin point was when I read Psalm 37.  Here are a few selected verses that God has spoken to my heart.  

“Do not fret […]Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this […] Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him […] Refrain from anger and turn away from wrath;  do not fret- it leads only to evil.” 

God is so good! He has answered my prayer.  He has removed my fear and replaced it with trust and joy.  I can’t explain it either.  I just know that he has spoken to me through my husband who is a rock and seeks the Lord, through Psalms, through specific worship songs, and through other people He has placed in my life.  I now have a peace that it is going to happen for us, we just don’t know how or when yet.  But God does.  And after almost 2 years of fighting with Him, I am finally learning to be OK with letting God be in control and trusting in His plan.  I have taken so much joy in telling the stories of the amazing things God is doing in our lives.  I know it sounds weird, but I get so excited when I find someone to talk to who understands, because I love to tell the stories of the things God is teaching us.  I am more in love with my husband than I ever have been and one of the reasons is because of how Will is constantly challenging me to handle things Biblically and I respect and love him for that.  And, most importantly, we have both fallen more in love with the Lord because of this journey. 

Our God is a good one who wants good things for His children.  He is a God who answers prayers- even if the answer is sometimes “Wait a little bit for My perfect timing.”.  

Secrets

                “Secrets, secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone!” I often recited as a child during activities like crowding on the couch at my grandparent’s beach condo with my cousins braiding each other’s hair, or while my sister and I played with our neighbors and our American Girl Dolls in the pink playhouse in our wooded backyard. 

As I have grown, I realize sometimes there are things better kept secret, not because you want to, but because it may be too personal and make others feel uncomfortable.  I am a champion of keeping other’s secrets, but when it comes to mine, I am an open book most of the time and wear my heart on my sleeve.  There is one secret I have had a hard time opening up about.  It’s not because I don’t want to, but because there have been times when I tell someone and, because they feel uncomfortable or are unsure of how to react, they react in a way that leaves me hurt.  Here is your warning; if you are one of those people, stop reading here.  It’s about to get personal. 

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago with a common (about one in ten women) syndrome called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  While I have had my moments of self-pity, the one thing that has amazed my husband and me is the many amazing ways God has worked through our struggle to bring Himself glory. 

He has provided us with numerous opportunities to worship while we’re waiting.   One of my favorite ways is the opportunity He has continually presented me with to build or strengthen friendships with women who are also struggling with various types of infertility.  I have been talking with my husband that I feel called to use this struggle for His glory to point other women in similar places back to Him. 

Meanwhile, my husband, Will, has been toying with the idea of starting a blog for about a year now.  He wanted me to start one for my wedding planning business, Weddings By Carter.  I was dragging my feet knowing how much of a time commitment a blog is claiming I wasn’t sure if I could generate enough content to keep a wedding blog interesting.  To be honest, one of my other sticking points (that still is) is that I am a fifth grade teacher and, because one of the subjects I teach is grammar, am paranoid of incorrect grammar or spelling and spend far too much time editing.  That being said, I ask for grace (especially from you, Mom and Sisters!) if you notice any in this blog- and please don’t tell my students!   

I digress.  Anyways, God started nudging my heart through a friend’s blog that perhaps a blog could be a good way to connect with other women who are struggling with infertility.  I was hesitant what Will’s reaction would be to publishing such a personal struggle, but he was surprisingly open to it.  We both agreed the focus of the blog would be the numerous ways that God has taught us to worship while we’re waiting. 

So there.  My secret is out in the open.  I hope you enjoy reading my blog, Worship While I’m Waiting.  Even if you can’t relate (as I pray you can’t), maybe you know other women who can.  Wish me luck- especially with the grammar and spelling!  Thank you and happy reading.