It’s not fair

   This past week I have had more pregnancies announced to me than I have over the rest of the year combined.  I can honestly say that (by the grace of God) my first thought is that I am so excited for them.  But shortly after that comes the self-pity.  It’s not fair.  We did everything right.  Don’t we deserve to get what we want most; something all of our friends seem to be getting?  I am personally firm in the belief that we would make great parents.  (I know I will eat these words when we actually are parents, but for now I feel like we could do just as good as a job as anyone else!)

                Surprisingly, my self-pity has been at a minimum as I have learned of all of these dear women in my life who are expecting.  I haven’t had crying outbursts (as I am sometimes prone to) and I have been able to be excited for each of them.  But in the back of my mind, there is still that thought of the heart-wrenching question: When will it be our turn?  It is only fair that it should be our turn! Some of our friends are even starting to think of baby number 2 and we’re still here waiting on baby number 1. I see how precious Will is with our god-daughter or the children at church or any of the other children in our lives and my heart aches because I want him to have that.  I think both of us were made to be parents.  We have always defined ourselves as being a good big brother and big sister to our younger siblings and feel that we are more experienced than many of our friends who are having babies.  It’s not that I’m not excited for them, it’s that I’m sad for us because I want that for us to. 

                When one of these precious women in my life recently told me she was expecting, she commented that it just wasn't fair of God to give her a baby before He gave me one.  I’ve been waiting longer and trying everything we know to do and they weren’t even ready to start trying yet.  She’s right.  It’s not fair.  As we tell the fifth graders every day, life’s not fair. 

                And I am so grateful for that. 

                If life was fair, we would be punished for our sins with eternal separation from our creator.  God can’t stand to be around sin; it goes against who He is.  And we are sinners.  The “fair” answer is we’re sinners, we can be near God.  We’re separated from Him.  Forever.  Period.  But fortunately, we serve a God who is so much more than fair.  He is merciful.  He sees what is fair and what we deserve, but instead gives us something so much better.  He sent His SON.  His only son. To die for us.  I doubt that when God does bless us with a son, I would be willing to give that precious son up for anything.  Or anyone.  When Jesus died, he didn’t just die, He who was without sin took on our sin. 

                Everyone loves to quote the verse that “God works all things for the good of those who love Him”.  Yes, He does.  But God’s good is not necessarily the same as “good” as defined by the world.  In Bible class this week our lesson is about Egypt, Moses, and the Plagues.  After each plague, God hardened Pharaoh’s heart so Pharaoh said the Israelite slaves could not leave to worship their God.  Why did He do this? These plagues were certainly not “good” according to human terms.  Instead God did this for His good that He could be glorified over all the earth for His great wonders.  My prayer with this blog is even though our infertility is not “good” by the world’s standards and may seem “unfair”, that God can still use it for His greater good that is so much better than ours.  I truly do want to worship while I’m waiting and bring Him glory in all situations. 

                No, it’s not fair, but God’s plans are so much better than fair.  We just have to have faith and patience. 

Even If The Healing Doesn’t Come

“Even if the Healing Doesn’t Come” by Kutless

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqOkZiOb9u0

I know that God is the healer and could cure me of PCOS at any moment if it was part of His plan.  I truly do believe that.  I know that we serve a God who can do anything, but that everything He does is part of His perfect plan. 

Sometimes I listen to this song and think, you know, God is God and I will praise Him even if the healing doesn’t come.  But, if I am to be honest, I would have to admit that probably half of the time when I really dwell on this, I don’t know that I would be able to accept it if it was not in God’s plan to make me a mom. 

Will keeps challenging me to wrestle with this.  I say that I know that God has given both of us talents that we would use as parents and I strongly believe that God does not give us talents to be wasted.  Through this logic, I convince myself that it is definitely part of God’s plan to call us to be parents.  Until Will comes back with the very valid point that yes, while being a mom is a great way to use those talents, I am also using many of those same talents in teaching and other ways so, no, I’m not wasting them by not being a mom. 

I know that I often make this desire to have children an idol in my life.  When I ask myself, Is God enough for me?, I am sometimes able to say, Yes, God is enough and I will praise Him no matter what.  I can be joyful just praising my King in whatever circumstances He places me in.  But sometimes, there are days when I think, No, God is not enough.  I want, no, I need, to be a mom.  I want to raise our children to know and love this awesome God I serve.

I know that God still has so much to teach me and I feel honored that He has given me the opportunity to write this blog and open up about the many blessings He has given me.  He is able to get glory from me even though I am far from perfect.  As much as I wish I wasn’t on this journey, God is teaching me how much I need to rely on Him instead of on my own strength. 

As Kutless so aptly says it, Father, you know that my Dreams are still undone.  You are God, you are good, forever faithful one.  Even if the healing doesn’t come.  

Playlist

I don’t know if anyone else is like me, but there is nothing like the feeling of finding the perfect music to match my mood and help me express what I'm feeling inside.  I know it has been a while since I have written (the school year is in full swing and things got crazy busy!), so I thought in this post I would combine several of the post ideas that have been hanging out on my “to write” list for some time now. 

God has been speaking to me through songs.  Most mornings in Advisee (like homeroom, but we do more mentoring, or advising, of the students than just sending in attendance), we sing a worship song together.  Well, I get to pick the song, so sometimes I pick one of these songs that God is whispering to my heart.  We watch them on You Tube so we can have music that has lyrics with it we can sing along with.  Here are the links to and some commentary on the playlist of songs God has been using to speak to my heart during this struggle. 

1. “Blessings” By Laura Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE:

Wow! Talk about conviction.  When I hear this song, God speaks to my heart, “Why are you willing to only accept my blessings if they come in the form you choose?”  The song says, “Love is way too much to give us lesser things”.  God has such a perfect plan and can see yesterday, today, AND tomorrow.  He has such a better idea of what the BEST thing is for us because he can see the while picture and we cannot.  Another line says, “All the while you hear each desperate plead the longer we have faith to believe”.  Yes, God does hear those prayers when we are crying out through the tears begging Him, but He has a perfect purpose in making us wait.  This song is one of my favorites.

2. “The Voice of Truth” Casting Crowns https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enxca57LiVU:

“The waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me, reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed…but the Voice of Truth says this is for my glory.”  My body is so far from perfect and I can do nothing on my own power.  When I try to do things in my own power I do fail.  I have to rely on Christ to do all things through Him who strengthens me.  I want all things I do to bring God glory.  Like Moses and his stutter, I have shortcomings that I was born with and my body is the imperfect body of a sinner, but God STILL can use me for His glory.  When I get discouraged, I need to instead listen to that Voice of Truth that reminds me that this struggle is for His glory. 

3. “Worship While I’m Waiting” John Waller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gjXBMC8-oM : 

Obviously, I feel drawn to this song; It’s the song I named this blog after. “I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.”  This song challenges me.  I want to serve God and bring Him glory while I’m waiting.  This is not where I would choose to be, but I’m still here and can run the race even while I wait.  “I am waiting on you Lord, though it’s not easy, but faithfully I will wait”. 

4. “Your Plans for Me are Perfect” Sandra ONal http://www.amazon.com/Your-Plans-Me-Are-Perfect/dp/B00H8TVYTM : 

I have to admit, hearing this song for the first time this morning at the King Spring Baptist Church Women’s conference is was pushed me over the edge of “I really need to return to my blog.”  This is the song that she wrote about her struggle with infertility and it really touched me.  In it she sings about how this is not the path she would choose, but still knows that God’s plans are perfect.  I was bawling like a baby, but God is good and continually surrounds me with Godly women who have been through similar struggles and they allow God to work through them to be His hands and place a reassuring hand on my back and His mouth and speak the words He wants me to hear.  But the most precious thing these women give me is prayers.  I love prayers!  

I hope you enjoy listening to these first four songs on my playlist and that God uses them in your heart as He is continually using them to speak to mine.  There are plenty more where those came from, so one day soon you may find yourself reading an entry titled, “Playlist Part 2”! 

Why this blog?

I picked up my Bible to continue to read through Psalms and God showed me the last half of Psalm 71, which is one of David’s last Psalms. 

“I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.  Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.  Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, until I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.  Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things.  Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.  I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel.  My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you- I, whom you have redeemed.  My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long,”

I love this because it so clearly explains the reason I am writing this blog. 

God has taught me since my youth through my parents who are both strong believers.  I have grown up surrounded by wonderful Christians and been educated by intelligent theologians.  Like the Psalmist, I strive to declare the many marvelous deeds that He is doing in my life and all around me. 

In the fall of 2013, I was blessed to be invited to a women’s Bible study on apologetics at our church.  I learned a lot; I think we all did.  One of the things I remember thinking is yes, I want to glorify God and proclaim Him, but often I feel I am lacking the courage to talk to adults about Him.  The study challenged us to ask people, both that we just met and already knew, what they thought about God.  From there, we simply listened and questioned them further.  We did not force our beliefs on them.  The goal was simply to listen and plant seeds.  Even this was difficult!  Sure, talking to kids about God is one thing because they are naturally curious, but adults are HARD because we already know what we believe and are set in our ways.  No one wants to be told their wrong and me, being the people-pleaser I am, certainly does not want to be the one telling anyone they are wrong. 

But I do want my lips to shout for joy when I singing praises to God because He has redeemed me!  One of the many blessings God has given me through PCOS is the opportunity to talk to women and meet them where they are.  This blog has been such wonderful opportunities to let my tongue (via my keyboard) tell of His righteous acts. 

Although I know I do not have as many troubles as David did, I do believe that God will restore my life and bring me up.  Through that, He will be glorified.  I would love nothing more than to have children so I can declare His power to our next generation as we raise them to serve and love the Lord. 

I have had many opportunities to be comforted by God.  One evening Will and I were lying on the couches watching TV and I was overcome with a wave of sadness.  I don’t remember what prompted it; perhaps I had gotten a negative pregnancy test earlier that day.   Will very sweetly told me that sometimes it’s okay just to be sad and cry for a little (I am a crier!).  After a short five or ten minutes, my sadness passed, just like that.  I got up to get a tissue and before I walked back in the room, I wasn’t sad anymore.  As I sat back on the couch, I checked my phone.  I just received a text message from a dear friend in Alabama that she was praying for me to have peace.  God answered that prayer with a resounding yes and immediately granted it.  Thank the Lord for Godly friends and prayer partners! 

Thus ends my thoughts on Psalm 71 and my desire to proclaim His righteousness.  I pray my lips will always shout for joy about my Lord!

I have 24 kids

            Now that I have put myself out there through this blog, I feel like I should tell you a little more about who I am.  I am blessed! I have a husband who loves the Lord and is constantly pointing me back to Him.  I have a home complete with a vegetable garden.  I have a church where I belong.  I have more friends than I can count.  I have 2 jobs that I love and I am totally and completely passionate about. 

I went to college to be a teacher and have never, not once, doubted that calling on my life.  From the age of 5, I could tell you I wanted to be a mom and a teacher.  By high school, those goals had expanded to 4: wife, mom, teacher, and someone who points children to the Lord.  I am so blessed that God placed such a strong calling on my life.  I became even more blessed on June 6, 2013 when I got a call from the headmaster of my (and Will’s) alma matter offering me my dream job.  One of the few big life decisions I’ve made this way, but I said yes before I even checked with Will!  I love this job and can feel God working through me every day as I plan with my amazing coworkers whom I respect and as I teach these precious children God has entrusted me with and to whom he has given a thirst for learning.  I love teaching!

It wasn’t until recently when God opened a door to wedding planning.  I always loved weddings, but thought of them more as a hobby.  I won’t go into all of the details of how Weddings By Carter began, but every step of the way it fit perfectly with my passion for teaching.  People often ask me which one I would rather do, but I cannot answer because I am so passionate about both of them.  I guess during the week I would rather be teaching and on weekends I would rather be working weddings. 

One of the things I love about teaching children is the same thing Jesus did.  They have faith like a child and are able to accept things that adults may overthink.  Ever since my first year of teaching in 2010, I have been on my personal version of Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?  “Mrs. Fawcett, how many kids do you have?”, “Are you pregnant?”, “Why don’t you have kids?”, “When are you going to have kids?”, or, my favorite, “Mrs. Fawcett, when you do have a baby, will you name it after me?” 

When I was teaching in a public school, my answer was “I do have kids! I have 24 of you!”  Now that I’m blessed to be teaching in a Christian school, my answer is a very honest one.  “That is up to God.” 

On Halloween last year, one sweet girl asked me why I didn’t have kids to go home and carve a pumpkin with.  I responded with a laugh and, “You’ll have to talk to God about that one!”  Immediately, she announced to the other girls at the table that they had to stop and pray right then.  And she did.  And she continued to pray every morning in advisee with her small group of girls.  Faith like a child.  I pray that God will give me this faith. 

Another time, with only a week and a half left in the school year, they started asking again.  One panicked little girl begged me, “Mrs. Fawcett, last year our teacher went on maternity leave.  Please don’t go on maternity leave and leave us the last week of school!”  Oh, if only babies came that quickly! 

I am praying that our children will come in God’s perfect timing and, meanwhile, He will give me faith like a child to continue to pray for our precious babies.  

Stupid Schedules

                There, I said it.  Something negative.  While there have been many joyous moments when I have been able to share God’s word, this journey has also had its fair share of frustrating moments.  The one that has been driving me crazy recently is how I feel this has taken over our life.  Will and I talk all the time about where to draw the line between making this our first priority, but also still living our life and enjoying where we are now.  For example, we had the opportunity to go to the beach for two weeks this summer and celebrate my sister-in-law’s wedding.  It was a great trip and we are glad we spent that quality time with his family, but that meant a cycle when we couldn’t be home to go to doctor appointments.  Something else I love doing in the summer is being part of the leadership team at an amazing all girls summer camp.  Graciously, they were able to work with me, but I hate being the “problem maker” who feels like I am always the one asking for special treatment.  Especially when it comes to this subject.  I am about to go back to school for the fall semester.  I know doctor appointments are important, but I would like to be able to just be at school and not have so many things to plan around.  I want to be dependable and helpful, not the one always asking for special treatment but never being fully comfortable explaining the reasoning. 

                I am a scheduler.  My husband would say, in fact, that I over-schedule things.  Well, it’s hard to do that with PCOS and not knowing when my next cycle will start and when I have to drop everything to schedule a doctor appointment on day 2 and again on day 11.  I try to count out days to figure out when things will be happening, but the fact is it never seems to happen like I expect.  On top of scheduling around my body, sometimes I just feel like an emotional wreck and just want to stay home. 

While I do say all of this to vent a little, my main goal is I want to put it out there.  I know I am difficult to plan around right now and I am sorry.  I appreciate my wonderful employers, co-workers, family, and friends who are patient with me when I go back and forth and change plans or reschedule. 

Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”  I always thought this was a nice saying to hang on a bulletin board or sign on a card.  Now I am experiencing what it actually means.  I don’t like to be complicated or high maintenance, but God has surrounded us with wonderful friends and brothers who have wrapped us in love.  I am sorry for the times in the past when I have to change plans or cancel all together, often without giving a thorough reason.  I am also sorry for the times to come in the future, but please know that even though I don’t always feel like talking through every little personal detail, I appreciate your understanding more than I can ever say. 

I thank God every day for the wonderful and understanding husband He has blessed me with, but I also think Him for our amazing and Godly employers, co-workers, friends, and family who surround us with love and understanding, even when I don’t feel up to the task of explaining.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  

Wait, what was that? I didn’t hear you the first 14 times

      I love teaching at my school.  I love it more than I ever thought possible to love a job.  Teaching there is everything I dreamed of while sitting in the ECCE block at Samford University and day dreaming about my perfect classroom.  Of the many things I love (or “am obsessed with” might be a truer choice of words!) about teaching here, my favorite may be teaching Bible.  I had many wonderful Bible teachers during my time as a student there and Will and I still talk about the theology our outstanding teachers taught us. 

                Ok, this is where I have to remind myself to stay on topic, because I could go on about this topic for a while. 

                Anyways, the story I’m going to tell you today is about one of my Bible classes.  Each lesson has a scripture memory verse that goes with it.  Each child was coming up to my desk one at a time to recite their scripture memory for that week- Psalm 37: 1-9.  I would listen, check them word for word on the rubric, and give them a grade.  It literally took FIFTEEN times of hearing this passage before my ears perked up and I thought, “Hmm, maybe God is trying to tell me something!” 

                “Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.  Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, you vindication like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil.  For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”

                Doesn’t the Bible say that out of the mouths of babes, He has ordained His praise? Well, that was certainly true that afternoon! 

                That is a hard challenge to rise to though.  It’s one I’ve spent a lot of time mulling over and talking with my students about.  There is a BIG difference between not worrying and not preparing.  To say “Oh, I’m not worried about getting a job as a teacher, so I’ll just sit here and hang out with my friends instead of going to college or delivering resumes and I’m sure God will send one my way” would be foolish.  As would deciding, “You know, I would really like to book more weddings, but I don’t feel like investing any money in marketing right now, so I’m sure God will just send brides to me.”  Don’t get me wrong- God can TOTALLY do that- and anything else he pleases!  We serve a God who is all-powerful and all-knowing and (thankfully!) also very good and very loving.  He desires good things for us, His children.  Often times, however, the way we get those things is following the path he has carefully planned for us that includes using our talents and maximizing the opportunities He has given us. 

                I love this part- “take DELIGHT in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”!  As I talk about in one of my other entries, I prayed for JOY through this struggle to replace my fear.  God wants His children to delight in Him! Once we truly do that, our desires will be in line with His and we will want for ourselves what He desires for us.  The catch is none of us are perfect so this will always be a struggle with our sinful human nature, but we should still aim for it.  Take JOY in the Lord!  Do not worry because He has a PERFECT plan, even if we can’t understand it right now.  As humans, we want what we want when we want it.  As it relates to fertility struggles, I believe the Biblical response is to delight yourself in the Lord, prepare by doing what you can do (more entrees coming on this topic!), and then wait and trust in His perfect timing.  Don’t worry about it- but do prepare for it.  By delighting in the Lord, I want to use the talents He’s given me.  He hasn’t called me to be a mom yet (even though that’s how I really want to use my talents!), so I find joy using my talents working with kids in my classroom, at church, and with friends and family. 

                Alright, Abba, I am committing my way to you.  Help me to be still before you and wait patiently on you.  Help me to refrain from anger and to place my hope in you.  Amen.  

Live!

           Today I want to tell the story of the before and after of making my blog live.  I have received so much positive feedback and compliments, but I can’t take credit.  I am simply allowing God to work through me.  I thought maybe telling these stories would show that.

Before…

I had the blog written and waiting in a word document while I gathered the courage and talked to women in my life I respect about their thoughts on if this was a wise move.  Then on Sunday, I heard God’s message loud and clear when the sermon was about Paul in prison.  Not that I compare myself to Paul, but I do believe that there are lessons to be learned from every Bible story about how to serve the Lord.  I simply heard a lesson and am trying to apply it to my life. 

After Jesus was crucified, Paul was called to tell the story of Jesus and the only way to be saved from hell.  He glorified God by traveling to preach and reached many people through his obedience.  Then Paul was arrested.  He was put in jail and then on house arrest.  He couldn’t travel and preach, but he could still tell the story of Jesus to those who surrounded Him- the prison guards.  To use an overused idiom, Paul got lemons and made lemonade.  He wasn’t ministering in the way he would have chosen, but he could still glorify God while He was waiting to be free. 

Suffice it to say, I have always felt there is no higher calling than being a parent and raising your children to know, love, and serve our Lord.  The way I was raised was so clear both of my parents felt called to minister to their children every day because we were their mission field.  I want that!  I want my mission field to be singing “Jesus Loves Me” while our baby falls asleep.  I want to teach our children how to thank God for each meal before they eat.  I want to challenge our kids to memorize Bible verses.  I want to minister to our children’s friends and their families.  I want to pray together at night and teach our children how to give things up to God.

But just like Paul, God has asked me to wait.  That’s not his plan for me to glorify Him right now.  He has purposefully placed me somewhere else.  Even though it’s not where I would have chosen and it may not be “fun”, He still has plans for me here. 

After…

So I jumped.  A jump of faith, I mean.  I made the blog live in the hopes of ministering to other women who find themselves in similar situations and telling about the many, many blessings God has given us during this painful time.  I finally followed what I had felt God prompting on my heart.  I was honest.  I was open.  I am glad I did it!  The feedback I have gotten has affirmed this calling.  I thought I would take this time to share some of the other wisdom and feedback so many women have shared with me in the last few days. 

                One friend shared this verse with me.  It gave me such a feeling of peace; I thought some of you might like it too.  Matthew 7:7-11 (NLT) says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives.  Everyone who seeks, finds.  And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.  You parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?  Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake?  Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.” 

                Another precious friend continually reminds me God’s timing is perfect.  As she explains it perfectly, when you are born determines so many things in life.  How old you are determines your grade in school and who your best friends will be.  It determines who your future spouse is.  To a large degree, it even has a bearing on who your younger siblings will be.  God has each child picked out already, but He waits until the perfect time for each one to enter the world. 

                I have heard many heart-breaking stories about miscarriages.  While this is not the struggle we are currently going through, it is one some of my dear friends are going through and we have had many conversations about it.  Both types of suffering are painful in their own ways.  The desire to be a mother is so strong and so frustrating when you can’t figure out how to achieve it.  (This is where my mom would give me the wise advice that it’s only God’s business to make a baby- and the Psalmist would agree!) But they are also different.  I cannot pretend to imagine that type of loss and pain, but I do have to give encouragement that I believe that baby is waiting in heaven and you will meet him or her one day!

But the most common story I keep hearing is success story after success story.  These from some women whom I have known for most of my life and I always just knew them as so-and-so’s mom.  It turns out becoming a mom was a long journey for many.  I have been filled with so much hope after hearing these stories, and would encourage anyone who would like to share their story in the comments for everyone to read. 

So that’s it.  Thank you for all of your compliments and positive feedback.  It affirms the calling that this is God’s plan for me right now in my life.  I ask you to keep reaching out to me if you need someone to talk to.  However, please know this isn’t done on my strength or goodness, but it is God working through me.  I love the story of Moses and the Burning Bush.  I relate to Moses- I have PCOS and Moses had a stutter.  That doesn’t worry God! In fact, He says through our weaknesses, His glory only shines brighter! Thank you, Abba, for choosing me and using me!  

God Answers Prayers!

           Finding out that getting pregnant was not going to be the “piece of pie” we always expected it to be was a surprise for us.  Being from a large family with lots of cousins, I always believed that babies were a blessing, but I didn't know sometimes you had to work for them!  In high school, they make it sound like if you look at each other wrong- BOOM! You’re pregnant.  What do you mean, it’s going to be hard getting pregnant?  We did everything right! That’s not fair!

Then the fear set in. 

I have always said that my number one worst fear was not being able to get pregnant when I was ready.  Always.  Being a mommy is one of the top things I want out of life and not knowing the paths we would have to take threw me into a panic.  I was terrified.  I threw more than my fair share of pity parties. 

But God has a better plan.  He always does. 

My husband patiently pointed that out to me.  I have been so weak during this struggle and Will really stepped in and challenged me to handle it Biblically.  He challenged me to stay away from self-pity and bitterness and to trust in God’s plan, even though it’s not the plan I wanted for myself.  His plan is better. 

So I began reading through the Psalms and praying that God would remove my fear and replace it with trust in His perfect plan and joy to do all things for His glory. 

It didn't happen overnight.  In fact, it took me about a year to notice how He had worked in my life to answer these prayers.  I was looking back through prayer requests from a year ago when I saw this one written down and all of a sudden realized- wow! God said yes to that one!  He really has been working on my heart and I didn't even notice. 

One of the biggest turning points I can pin point was when I read Psalm 37.  Here are a few selected verses that God has spoken to my heart.  

“Do not fret […]Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this […] Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him […] Refrain from anger and turn away from wrath;  do not fret- it leads only to evil.” 

God is so good! He has answered my prayer.  He has removed my fear and replaced it with trust and joy.  I can’t explain it either.  I just know that he has spoken to me through my husband who is a rock and seeks the Lord, through Psalms, through specific worship songs, and through other people He has placed in my life.  I now have a peace that it is going to happen for us, we just don’t know how or when yet.  But God does.  And after almost 2 years of fighting with Him, I am finally learning to be OK with letting God be in control and trusting in His plan.  I have taken so much joy in telling the stories of the amazing things God is doing in our lives.  I know it sounds weird, but I get so excited when I find someone to talk to who understands, because I love to tell the stories of the things God is teaching us.  I am more in love with my husband than I ever have been and one of the reasons is because of how Will is constantly challenging me to handle things Biblically and I respect and love him for that.  And, most importantly, we have both fallen more in love with the Lord because of this journey. 

Our God is a good one who wants good things for His children.  He is a God who answers prayers- even if the answer is sometimes “Wait a little bit for My perfect timing.”.  

Secrets

                “Secrets, secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone!” I often recited as a child during activities like crowding on the couch at my grandparent’s beach condo with my cousins braiding each other’s hair, or while my sister and I played with our neighbors and our American Girl Dolls in the pink playhouse in our wooded backyard. 

As I have grown, I realize sometimes there are things better kept secret, not because you want to, but because it may be too personal and make others feel uncomfortable.  I am a champion of keeping other’s secrets, but when it comes to mine, I am an open book most of the time and wear my heart on my sleeve.  There is one secret I have had a hard time opening up about.  It’s not because I don’t want to, but because there have been times when I tell someone and, because they feel uncomfortable or are unsure of how to react, they react in a way that leaves me hurt.  Here is your warning; if you are one of those people, stop reading here.  It’s about to get personal. 

I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago with a common (about one in ten women) syndrome called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  While I have had my moments of self-pity, the one thing that has amazed my husband and me is the many amazing ways God has worked through our struggle to bring Himself glory. 

He has provided us with numerous opportunities to worship while we’re waiting.   One of my favorite ways is the opportunity He has continually presented me with to build or strengthen friendships with women who are also struggling with various types of infertility.  I have been talking with my husband that I feel called to use this struggle for His glory to point other women in similar places back to Him. 

Meanwhile, my husband, Will, has been toying with the idea of starting a blog for about a year now.  He wanted me to start one for my wedding planning business, Weddings By Carter.  I was dragging my feet knowing how much of a time commitment a blog is claiming I wasn’t sure if I could generate enough content to keep a wedding blog interesting.  To be honest, one of my other sticking points (that still is) is that I am a fifth grade teacher and, because one of the subjects I teach is grammar, am paranoid of incorrect grammar or spelling and spend far too much time editing.  That being said, I ask for grace (especially from you, Mom and Sisters!) if you notice any in this blog- and please don’t tell my students!   

I digress.  Anyways, God started nudging my heart through a friend’s blog that perhaps a blog could be a good way to connect with other women who are struggling with infertility.  I was hesitant what Will’s reaction would be to publishing such a personal struggle, but he was surprisingly open to it.  We both agreed the focus of the blog would be the numerous ways that God has taught us to worship while we’re waiting. 

So there.  My secret is out in the open.  I hope you enjoy reading my blog, Worship While I’m Waiting.  Even if you can’t relate (as I pray you can’t), maybe you know other women who can.  Wish me luck- especially with the grammar and spelling!  Thank you and happy reading.